Would your life be better if your boss was a #BossBabe?

Rozali reflects on Female Bullying in the Workplace

Hey folks,

What you’re about to read was written by regular Rozali Telbis. It is intended as a contribution to the ongoing rethinking of gender politics that has turned from a trickle to a torrent in the past few years.

Toxic matriarchy and narcissistic feminism

This piece is about a something very real that has long been neglected by feminist theory - the simple fact that women don’t always like each other. I imagine that women who place gender at the forefront of their politics feel some kind of pressure to present a united front of female solidarity… but that front is often exactly that - a front.

In Rozali’s experience, having a female boss has never meant that her work life is any better. This has led her to a poignant critique of #BossBabe feminism. Would life be any better with a female boss?

I hope you enjoy this piece, and if you do, be sure to check out Rozali’s Substack for more straight shooting reflections on life, society, and the pursuit of a less alienated existence.

-Crow

On the Harms of Female Workplace Aggression

And why we need to talk about it

Although not often talked about, female bullying in the workplace happens, and dare I say happens more frequently than one might think. The problem with female bullying is that it’s not as visible nor is it as easy to measure as overt aggression typically perpetrated by men. It’s more subtle and it’s primarily carried out through indirect, passive means. It also generally goes unnoticed because women on the receiving end of the aggression don’t speak up for fear of being labelled as ‘not a good feminist’ or not being a ‘girl’s girl’—not to mention the potential social, career, and financial ramifications that are incurred by speaking out.

Nathalie Martinek PhD defines this type of female aggression as “soft” control tactics which women use to intimidate, ostracize, and bully other women.

Nathalie’s excellent article on the topic can be found here:

Soft control and the art of female aggression

As someone who’s had experience working in both female-dominated environments (non-profit sector), as well as in male-dominated environments (tech sector), I can attest that the way men and women behave in the workplace are very different (even our behaviours in virtual meetings wildly differ between sexes), and despite what some feminists may argue, my experience in female-dominated environments have been far more alienating and psychologically harmful than in male-dominated environments; I’ve never encountered more hostility and ‘soft’ aggression than I have working with predominantly women.

I’m sure many will be ready with pitchforks spouting “Not all women!” similarly to those who defensively insist “Not all men!” when stories of male-on-female violence emerge. Certainly it is not all women, but it is enough women. Women are more likely to use ‘soft power’ tactics or ‘relational aggression’ as a way of inflicting emotional pain on other women. This might include gossiping, excluding others from a group, and employing unwritten moral and social rules to encourage groupthink and conformity. As Nathalie explains, women’s social hierarchies rely primarily on indirect aggression, where control and domination are exerted through exclusion, passive aggressive games, language manipulation, and so on. I’ve never been a fan of games. Or passive aggressiveness. Or cliques. Because of my unwillingness to adhere to a set of unwritten rules in order to gain membership to a group, I’ve always been very much an outsider. It’s not something I ever deliberately chose, it just naturally ended up happening this way. No matter who you are, being an outsider makes for a more difficult, alienating life. And when you’re in a female-dominated workplace and you already have these non-conformist tendencies, then you will not only be misunderstood, but you will be very disliked.

In my performance review at a previous job, my boss praised me for meeting my targets, but she said that ‘The Girls’ weren’t taking too kindly to me, so I needed to make more effort socially, including eating lunch with ‘The Girls’ every day. This example is one of many that revealed to me that these women valued the social part of work more than the work itself. And this expectation was unfairly placed on other women, including myself, to also put more value into office politics ahead of everything else. If I don’t participate, then I would be summarily excluded—which is exactly what ended up happening. For me it’s important to be on friendly terms, but in this type of environment, there were additional unwritten requirements. You were also expected to divulge everything about your life—and forget about working on projects solo, everything was a “collaborative” effort. If you weren’t oversharing then you would be perceived as snobby, bitchy, rude, etc. which was eventually how I was viewed. Every tiny little gesture, action, and word is taken personally. You must not only be a good employee but also provide ample emotional support at the right times.

And if you choose not to succumb to this ‘soft control’ strategy, you are automatically excluded and seen as somehow morally and socially inferior. This kind of ‘gentle nudging’ is reminiscent of employers patronizing their employees and telling them who they should support politically, what issues they should care about, and how they should spend their time outside of work (which many of us have also experienced). It’s completely invasive, inappropriate, and exhausting.

Just a few months into a different job in another female-dominated environment, I was approached by a female colleague who told me that I should “Stay away from [Kathy].” I asked “Why?” and she responded simply that “[Kathy] talked about you behind your back and you shouldn’t trust her.” I said nothing. Later I saw her eating lunch with said blabbermouth Kathy. I didn’t have the time nor did I really care enough if Kathy was talking about me and what she had to say about me. What was more disturbing to me was the level of gossiping that these women did, in the workplace no less. It wasn’t just the women, but the few men that worked there were also not immune. These men represented a very specific kind of man—the feminized man who’s not afraid to call women “bitches” and join in on the gossip. This is the worst kind of man and they often label themselves as progressive and inclusive, but they are the most sexist and catty.

Note this was also the same organization that hired a female CEO not through merit, but because of her sex. This tidbit was later revealed to a number of us staff who were surprised at the decision of hiring an inexperienced candidate in comparison to the other candidate who had years of relevant non-profit executive experience, but unfortunately for him, he was a man. This was one of many red flags. The female CEO ended up created a culture of favoritism and exclusion which trickled down to the lower rung employees.

In a previous female-dominated workplace, there was also another set of ‘Girls’—one of the managers affectionately called this group of women “My Girls” and she was fiercely protective of them referring to herself as their “mama bear” even though they were grown women, some with kids of their own.

In that same workplace, the dress code was very casual, but it was completely arbitrary. Leggings were allowed, plaid shirts were not. Bike shorts were allowed, graphic shirts were not. I was given a talking to on more than one occasion. You also couldn’t dress too formal or else you were tormented as well. The made-up dress code really just served as an excuse for women to castigate other women and this behaviour was allowed only because the complaints were tangentially related to an arbitrary dress code. One female employee wore 4” stilettos and other women talked about it for days. “She can’t even walk in those.” “How inappropriate.” “Who does she think she is?” It was relentless. You can’t win. Be a schlub like me and you get scolded. Engage in stereotypical feminine behaviour and you’re also crucified.

There’s also another layer to all of this. Many women still feel the need to prove themselves to show they’re just as valuable to men in the workplace, and this can manifest in a number of ways, often cruelly. They prevent other women from getting promoted and often seed doubt in upper management if they feel threatened by potential candidates (I also experienced this). They will also be extra critical of the way you do work. You may meet your goals, but if it’s not done in the way they want, then that too is unaccepted.

I should add these are the same workplaces that boast about being a ‘safe space,’ which is to be expected for the non-profit sector. If at any point you find yourself in a ‘safe space’ you will be judged the most harshly by the most intolerant self-described progressives.

In contrast, when I worked in male-dominated environments, the focus was more on the work itself. Of course men gossip. And they bicker. And they get emotional. And they talk about the most inane, mind numbing things. But it doesn’t take priority over the work. In these male-dominated workplaces, I have found that my performance is measured more by metrics and outcomes than subjective, non-measurable targets that are completely unrelated to my job description. I’m not required to subscribe to a set of unwritten rules in hopes of being accepted and invited to one of many concurrent Whatsapp groups, one of which excludes Sandra because no one really likes Sandra and they’re just nice to Sandra because their kids are friends. Again, that’s not to say there isn’t aggression among men. Men are more likely to be physically and verbally violent. But this type of aggression isn’t often premeditated—unlike women who are patient enough to play long-winded, psychological mind games. Anyone who denies this phenomenon are deluding themselves.

There are many social dynamics at play in female-dominated workplaces that it becomes mentally and spiritually exhausting. Working in this environment can have long-standing psychological impacts especially if it’s something also experienced outside the workplace.

As is common among women, I’m already prone to overthinking and I felt like I was losing my mind overthinking every gesture, every action, and every word that came out of my mouth. The worst part is when you later get confirmation that all of these things that you criticize about yourself are magnified and judged from afar.

In saying all of this, again I’m not saying that men do not cause harm on women in the workplace, but that we don’t talk nearly enough about how women exploit other women and sometimes the dangers can be much more psychologically harmful than if it was a man who was in the bullying position. We shouldn’t be punished for sharing these realities.